The idea of arming teachers had come up again. Based on some experience in a large school district, here’s how I think it might go:
- Funding for the guns will come from each school’s special education budget.
- The teachers with guns initiative will be given a sassy acronym.
- Teachers will receive no training other than a 2-hour powerpoint the day before report cards are due. The presentation will emphasize how this should not to be interpreted as yet another thing on their plates.
- Teachers will be required to keep a detailed record of all gun data in both a shared drive and a classroom gun binder.
- Weekly grade level meetings will include a book study of Ted Nugent’s God, Guns, and Rock and Roll. Remember to bring a highlighter
- Each grade level would share a gun. Teachers would need a passcode to unlock them, and have a quota of bullets allowed per year. Any bullets exceeding the quota will be paid by the teacher.
- The guns will be purchased from a warehouse of refurbished guns. They will break down approximately one month after their purchase, and cost twice as much to repair because they must be repaired by an approved vendor.
- Although the guns will first be introduced as a safety device, teachers will find out in May that 15% of their evaluation will be based on their gun knowledge and performance.
- After two years of arming teachers, the district will move on to something else.