arm-ED: Weaponizing Teachers

The idea of arming teachers had come up again.  Based on some experience in a large school district, here’s how I think it might go:

  1. Funding for the guns will come from each school’s special education budget.
  2. The teachers with guns initiative will be given a sassy acronym.armed
  3. Teachers will receive no training other than a 2-hour powerpoint the day before report cards are due. The presentation will emphasize how this should not to be interpreted as yet another thing on their plates.
  4. Teachers will be required to keep a detailed record of all gun data in both a shared drive and a classroom gun binder.
  5. Weekly grade level meetings will include a book study of Ted Nugent’s God, Guns, and Rock and Roll.  Remember to bring a highlighter
  6. Each grade level would share a gun. Teachers would need a passcode to unlock them, and have a quota of bullets allowed per year. Any bullets exceeding the quota will be paid by the teacher.
  7. The guns will be purchased from a warehouse of refurbished guns. They will break down approximately one month after their purchase, and cost twice as much to repair because they must be repaired by an approved vendor.
  8. Although the guns will first be introduced as a safety device, teachers will find out in May that 15% of their evaluation will be based on their gun knowledge and performance.
  9. After two years of arming teachers, the district will move on to something else.


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